The holiday season is the WORST for our daughter. It always has been. This is when Mary is typically hospitalized. This year is no different, except that she is safe in a psychiatric treatment facility. When Mary is with others outside the PRTF or the home, she is happy and pleasant. When she is with her attachment figures, it can flip in an instant.
Mary’s already had multiple violent outbursts this month. Earlier this week, she threw herself backwards down the stairs during a meltdown. Now she is covered in bruises. She’s been running away from school. Yesterday, at her PRTF, she threw a weight directly into plaster wall, leaving a hole.
Tonight the staff called me to help “support.” I am not sure if I was supporting Mary or the staff there. She had been in a protective hold twice for attacking the staff. She went after her primary caretaker there. When I asked why my daughter said, “She deserved it. I don’t care.”
But Mary DOES care. That’s why she goes after the mother figure closest to her. It comes down to triggers specifically about the shower and the holidays. Also, having a mother-figure is a huge trigger, in addition to being something she craves. Mary’s longtime trauma therapist says there may be some kind of pre-verbal trauma Little Girl doesn’t even remember. We may never know what it is. But somehow we must learn to deal with it.
I can’t eliminate shower/bathtime. I can’t eliminate Christmas. I can’t eliminate moms. And I can’t do the therapeutic work for her. EMDR, play therapy, IOP, PHP, TF-CBT, attachment therapy, psychiatric service dog and in-home services are just a few that we’ve done over the last 4 years. And we won’t stop trying…it’s just…well…
I hate to say this but I’m glad she is safe at her PRTF. I’m glad we are all safe here at home. Mary needs residential. It’s so sad to admit that. We’ve tried everything possible to keep her safe here. We cannot meet these needs in a home setting. Now she will be transitioning to a new program. We start with a 45 day evaluation and then see if Mary qualifies for the program. It’s a prestigious school that specializes in complex developmental trauma and relational problems. It was not easy to get her there.
Now we have to hope that her new therapeutic residential school helps. She will start there sometime this month. And, yes, I have to tell this story. Because who else will? This is what parenting through mental illness and developmental trauma looks like. If you are a parent out there struggling to help your child, you aren’t alone. If you are the praying kind then please pray for us.
**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.