adoption, family

Are You My Mother?

What is it like to love someone who doesn’t love you back? Or maybe the better question is what is it like to love someone who isn’t capable of loving you in a reciprocal way? I ponder this all the time because I live it. Loving my daughter with attachment difficulties is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I’m her mom. To me, nurturing her comes second nature. I want her to be happy. I want her to do well. I so desperately want to help her after all she has been through.

For Mary the word “love” has an entirely different meaning. Nurturing in her experience means having a female figure who helps her to survive. The woman must give her attention at all times because even a glance away can mean death. Mary can remember what severe, chronic neglect feels like.  A woman who yells at her or hits her is still providing the attention Mary feels is necessary to survival. It no longer even matters who the woman is.

The “woman” is interchangeable. It could be anyone. Mary isn’t able to tell the difference between a healthy bond and an unhealthy bond. A woman who has just met her has the same value as one who provides food, shelter and affection. There is no standard here. The only burning need Mary must have fulfilled is that there is another woman and then another and another one waiting somewhere after that. This way Mary can never run out. This way she feels as if she can survive.

I do my best to meet the challenge of parenting a child like this. I always fall short when it comes to giving her enough attention. Having anyone else in my life is too much for her. My going to the bathroom is too much for her. When I watch the road while driving the lack of attention drives her into a panic. No one human person can provide enough for Mary to feel safe.

She will throw herself into my arms and snuggle and play and be happy for a time. I will feel like we are making progress. Maybe she is feeling safe. Then I will find secret letters she has written to strangers with nice jewelry. They will say, “I think you should be my mother now. My parents don’t want me. Maybe you can adopt me and we can wear necklaces.”

It sucks. I mean it is heartbreaking and sad. I know that the minute she can no longer see me I am forgotten to her. She’s moved on to another way of getting her needs met. She is a survivor and she will love the one she’s with.  I really hate this part of an attachment disorder. I understand it in a logical way. I just hate it.

Trying to explain attachment disorders to the staff at her last psychiatric facility (PRTF) is akin to nailing jell-o to a tree. “Please keep reassuring her that Family is forever. She has a biological family and an adoptive family that love her. We will always be here.” That facility let her call some of the staff “mom” and “dad.” A lot of them meant well, but were ill-informed.

They told her that her command hallucinations were “the devil,” and that she should keep him out. Don’t ask me how a psychoiatric facility has staff that aren’t familiar with auditory hallucinations, complex trauma or attachment disorders. They were the only PRTF for a child her age. Insurance gave us this or nothing. Mental health care (or lack thereof) in our country is a whole different story…

I found that some PRTF staff members had made secret pacts with our almost-11-year-old. They’ve told her they can call each other from Mary’s new RTC program. They told Mary it was alright not to mention it to us. They will find each other someday. They have known Mary for all of 7 months.

We moved her into the new residential treatment center (RTC) a few days ago. They specialize in complex trauma and use reserch-based treatment methods. I am pretty sure they don’t beleive the devil is causing her to hallucinate, or that she is collaborating with him etc. Instead, they greeted us with “Welcome Mary!” signs everywhere. They remembered everything from the information we provided. They kindly but firmly stated that staff are referred to by name and that only famililies have titles like “mom” or “dad.” Every staff member on the beautiful campus greeted her by name immediatley.

This is  a 45 day diagnostic placement to determine if she needs a residential setting to keep her (and us) safe while accessing her right to education. Keep your fingers crossed for us. We were beyond lucky to get her this placement  through an IEP with her school district. It’s almost impossible to do. Almost.

Impossible isn’t a word we use in this family. Nothing is impossible. Not even love.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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14 thoughts on “Are You My Mother?

    • It is better. I have no idea except that I know she can tug on your heartstrings. She is adorable and endearing when she isn’t being violent. Lots of people blame the parents for a child’s mental illness. Not so many go with the “devil” thing though…

      Thank you for reading!

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  1. How frustrating. That sounds incredibly unhelpful to Mary’s development. I hope the new place knows better. Clear boundaries is the most basic of behaviours when working with young people. I know its hard, I have loved the children I worked with dearly but its the boundaries that they can bounce off and feel safe within and develop their own character. Then again, maybe its a good thing. Maybe the contrast will teach her that people can love her genuinely without needing her.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. C says:

    I did leave a comment sooner I guess it didn’t post correctly. Anyway. I am appalled that the staff was behaving in a manner that only encouraged Mary’s trauma driven behavior. Also she needs correct information about her hallucinations if she is expected to over come them. Sorry that happened. I know what it is like for mother to be an interchangeable women. It’s never good it always ends with heartbreak because nobody ever keeps me. I also know about being utterly distraught when these woman can’t satisfy my insatiable need for their and only their attention.out of sight out of mind is underdeveloped object permanence I’m sure know that. That is the awful thing about trauma it stops emotional/psychological development. I’m sure you know that too 🙂 It’s a very difficult thing to overcome always playing catch up. With the right treatment and support she can progress. Has Mary ever gone to group therapy, or a social skills group? I hope this new place is doing a good assessment and getting a good understanding of Mary. Good luck to you and your family. I’ll be sending good thoughts your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I always love to see your comments. I think you might be right about the object permanence. She has had both group and social skills therapy. I think the new place is AMAZING and exactly what she needs. They also have group sessions but more DBT style. So far it’s going well. I’m hopeful

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      • C says:

        DBT is amazing. I hope someone adapts it for children especially for bipolar disorder and trauma. If not I will have to do it when I am done school. I already have the research proposal. Glad to hear that you have hope.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Portrait of Pain | Herding Chickens and Other Adventures in Foster and Adoptive Care

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