adoption, family

Am I Losing My Son/Mind? Part 3

When the state trooper arrives at our house to take a statement, Marcus has already come home with the car. He yells at Luke once and then runs outside. He parks himself on the hood of his car that-will-probably-never-run. This is where the trooper finds him smoking a cigarette and admitting he took the car without permission. Marcus agrees to remain calm and not escalate the situation. They have a calm conversation and the trooper returns inside, alone.

The officer compliments us about how nice our home is. He expresses concern about the amount of drug prevalence in the city where Marcus has been visiting Toxic Girlfriend. The whole event gets filed as a “domestic disturbance.” We are told to hide the car keys and call immediately if we think Marcus is driving under the influence. By the time the trooper leaves, Luke and I decide its time for bed. It would be better to approach Marcus when everyone is calmer and a bit more rational.

The next day Marcus again emerges after banking hours and demands the car for work. Still no gas. Still no car. He’s also lost parent-favor privileges and car privileges for the stunt he pulled the night before. We calmly but firmly let him know he must treat people well in order to elicit favors, such as rides to work.

Again he hides away and fires off a slew of curse-word laden texts to Luke. For whatever reason I am not the target today (this is a rare occurrence.) Marcus is angry. He feels that we are “unfair, Dawg!” He bemoans his fate at having to live in our rural location, calling it “East Bum-f-ck,” which sounds like an interesting town to me.

Soon after that, to our surprise, a taxi pulls up in front of our house. Marcus gets in and heads to work. He’s figured out a plan! At least he is resourceful. I am begrudgingly impressed. This an adult move. But then…

As Luke is leaving to work the overnight EMS shift in town, Marcus asks for a ride home. Apparently he didn’t plan that far ahead. He threatens to walk home at 1:00AM from work, which is two towns away.

We say, “OK.” We let Marcus know he will have to figure it out. If he wants his parents to provide favors, he will have to make restitution for his actions. If he plans to get to work he will have to plan how to get back from work.

I went to bed. There are just some problems I am not able to solve at 11:30PM. There are also some problems that really are not mine to solve. I’ve done my best. Marcus will now have to figure out the rest. Just in case, I leave the dining room lights on to guide him home.

At around 2:00AM my phone alerts me to the dining room camera’s motion-sensor. I peer blearily into the screen and see Marcus. He’s come home. He walks past the dining room and then leans back into the shot. He turns off the dining room lights before heading to bed.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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10 thoughts on “Am I Losing My Son/Mind? Part 3

  1. Pingback: Wherein I Get Stuck on a Log | Herding Chickens and Other Adventures in Foster and Adoptive Care

  2. I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I know that this certainly doesn’t make anything easier, but one thing I am convinced of is that only the best parents end up with the more difficult children to deal with. The fact that you have to go through this is indicative of the fact that you are a good parent. My adoptive parents were blessed to have gotten me, because compared to many adoptees I know, I have been extremely easy to handle (even though the way they acted towards me, one would think I was the most rebellious kid in the world). Everyone who knows my adoptive parents have all agreed that if they would have had a biological child, it would have probably ended up becoming a mass murdered, due to their combination of genetics and environmental upbringing. The way they raised me, they are extremely lucky I turned out the way I did. So, I think you’re doing a fabulous job, considering the situation you’ve been given. Knowing first hand what my genetic background and makeup are and what my environment was, I truly believe that there is so much genetic coding and the trauma of what he experienced at some point since he was surrendered, that what he is doing is a direct result of all of that, and is not indicative in any way of your parenting. So I hope that you don’t ever question your parenting skills based on some of the choices he makes. You are doing a fabulous job!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is very sweet of you to say. You’ve obviously turned out quite well. For the record we are really and truly lucky to have gotten our kids. We might be biased but we think they are the best. Everyone questions their own parenting. The one thing I never question is how lucky I am to be doing it with these kiddos.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You have such a great outlook! It is very refreshing and I am very happy to see this. It gives me a little renewed hope for the adoption and foster system! I know everyone questions their own parenting, I know I certainly question mine. Although, oddly enough, two people who probably never did question their parenting and needed to were my adoptive parents…They got lucky in who they got because I was just a good kid and a good person, not thanks to their parenting skills or because of the type of people that they are. They may have provided me with some physical stability which on the outside looked like a perfect life, but the mental warfare they put me through would have turned most people down a very different path than I took for sure. Thank you for the kind words.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. C says:

    I don’t think you are losing you mind or Marcus. From what you’ve written about Marcus it’s seems as if he doesn’t want to be somewhere he won’t be. Also I think you right that you have a 16 year old adult on your hands He is a 16 year old adult trying to settle into family. It seems like he is struggling to find his role in the Family. The lifestyle that he is living now is one that he has been living for a long time. I’m not trying to be nosy here but how much of the time are you confronting Marcus as opposed to Luke. Maybe if Luke explained to Marcus some of what Marcus is going through and the expectations it would illicit a different reaction.

    Like

  4. Pingback: I Can’t | Herding Chickens and Other Adventures in Foster and Adoptive Care

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