Suicidal Ideations

The waiting room is freezing. I’m certain my fingers are turning blue. The wait is nearing 3 hours but Marcus still won’t let me into the ER where he is. As an adult, it’s his option. As a mom it’s my option to be here for him no matter how he pushes me away.

“I’m to the point in life where all that’s left is to hang myself”

“I need a grave n a tombstone. And a casket”

These are a few of the text messages he sent me. My son, my Marcus, was in a city in another state when he told me this. So I came running. What else could I do?

I do not want to bury my son. I take this seriously even if he’s just trying to hurt me. I would do anything to keep my boy alive.

Therefore, in the interim I called the police in that city. It takes me and hour and half to get there and they were closer. They found my son by pinging his cell phone. The EMTs somehow convinced him to go to the hospital for an evaluation.

Marcus hates nothing as much as he hates the police. He has a tumultuous past with them. He distrusts them. Marcus avoids the police at all costs. But he couldn’t avoid them today.

The EMTs took him to a local hospital. He went, but he was denying everything. I came because…well I came because I’m his mom. It’s what we do. We moms will be there for our kids. I was able to show the text messages to the social worker.

This comes on the heel of some strange FaceBook posts he made. Marcus also called Luke on Father’s Day. We all spoke to him but he told me he was surprised he’s still alive. He said his life was terrible.

If you’ve followed my blog you know that Marcus has been living in his car. He refuses to come home. He’s up and down. He’s Marcus.

He’s also an adult so he can refuse to see me. That leaves me here, in the waiting room.

“Yo r u f-omg serious, man?? Go to your house.”

This is what he texts me now. My reply is along the lines of what I always tell him. My hope is that someday he believes this:

“You don’t have to let me in. I’m still here, though. Always will be”

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.


23 thoughts on “Suicidal Ideations

  1. I don’t think I’ve ever commented before, but I just had to reach out with this post. My heart just aches for you and your family. I have been in the position where Marcus is – where texts I’ve sent or things I’ve said have scared people into calling 9-1-1. I don’t have any answers, just empathy. I feel for both of you, and I’m so sorry this is the situation you find yourself in. You are an incredible mother, and being there for him – whether he wants you to be or not – is exactly the right thing to do. You have a strong heart, and you are not alone. Hugs.


  2. skinnyhobbit says:

    You’re doing the right thing by not giving up on him. As someone with chronic passive suicidal ideation, often suicide is a escape wish from the effects of trauma and pain. “if it gets bad enough, I can off myself.” It’s a wish for pain to stop.

    Liked by 1 person

      • skinnyhobbit says:

        It can get better. I have way less bouts of suicidal ideation these days compared to several years ago. It truly is possible and Marcus is fortunate that you’re his Mum. Even as you hold hope and are there for him, remember that it’s OK to care for yourself, to process your feelings with trusted others. There will come times when your hope falters, and you start doubting. It’s possible to heal from complex trauma, there’s a lot of advances these days. There are books written by experienced clinicians who treat the severely traumatised. Hang onto hope for better and yet also accept he’s where he is. Maybe for a very long time.

        I told my therapist today that we never know what seeds we plant in others. She was talking about clients who don’t seem to work in therapy but keep coming and acting out and she wondered “there’s no work being done, but they still come.” I told her about seeds planted in my life years ago that only sprouted years later. The persons who planted them perhaps never knew they planted seeds. I told her it looks like no work is being done but they gain something. And perhaps with time and her unwavering commitment to their growth (even when they’re supposedly doing no work in therapy) things will eventually sprout.

        You are like fertile soil in which he can grow when he is ready. (another thing I told my therapist because I come from toxic “soil” / abusive environment)

        Liked by 1 person

      • skinnyhobbit says:

        Hugs! I’m happy to share my experiences and to lend you hope as I’ve been loaned hope when I was hopeless and despairing. You are a lovely soul and your love for your children shines through. Even if they cannot yet accept your unwavering love because of their trauma, you persist. It takes repetition to rewire all brains, including traumatised ones. And there is no age limit to neuroplasticity.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. C says:

    Oh boy. Sorry Marcus is feeling this way and sorry you are in this position. I’ve been in Marcus’ position many times. It’s a very slow process. If he is hospitalized they won’t typically let patients go if they are homeless at least in my state. That may help him make the decision to come home. If he goes to a good hospital, and you know he is safe. Give (Ugh don’t get mad) him day maybe two to get his bearings and learn the hospital rules. If he still doesn’t want to talk you can still call his doctor they won’t be able to give you info but you can let him or her that are open to therapy you would like him to come home and maybe ask to have a message set to him something short and sweet. Good luck with everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow! I am so glad you could be there for him. My foster mom one day when I asked her to drive meet somewhere and she was only 45 minutes away and I was in crisis told me that they had to set up the pool that afternoon. It’s very appreciated when parents can actually be there for the kids.

    Sent from my iPhone


    Liked by 1 person

  5. MS says:

    Grim – absolutely grim. Nothing worse than seeing those you love self-destruct. He may be furious now but he will always know that you were there. x


  6. silveryew says:

    Oh I am so sorry this is happening. It must be so hard to see him just spiralling downwards like this. And yes he is an adult so he can make these choices, but all the same….


  7. Beth says:

    it is hard for him to accept your love, but he knows that he has it. He pushes you away because he knows it is safe to – that even though he tells you to abandon him, you won’t. and there is a reason he reached out to you with those texts. Even though he is mad at you, there is a part of him that wanted you to get him help and that’s why he sent you those texts. such a hard road but you are being a great and loving mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: What Have I Done? | Herding Chickens and Other Adventures in Foster and Adoptive Care

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