I just can’t win for trying around here. Everything was all planned out for my back surgery at the end of this month. We had support for the kids, Luke was ready to cover all of the Mary visits and the driving. We were ALL SET. That’s when the figurative torrential downpour started.
I am looking at my life today thinking…what happened?!??
A few weeks ago Luke mentioned he needed to see the eye doctor. He wanted to wait for my employer to deposit their contribution into our HSA. Yesterday morning he woke up and couldn’t see out of his left eye. He can’t make anything out at all unless he is using peripheral vision with that eye. Our optometrist opened her office up just for him (thank goodness) even though it was her vacation.
After examining him she showed us a picture of an alarming amount of fluid build up behind his left retina and a possible tear. She called a surgeon and we left her office to go straight there! I called my parents to be there when Carl got off the bus, and possibly through his in-home counseling appointment.
As it turns out Luke needs ASAP eye surgery in two days but his vision should come back. However, he has to be out of work for 3-4 weeks and during that entire time he is supposed to be lying face down.
I’m ashamed to admit that I cried about it. I didn’t cry for my poor blind husband, like a good wife. I cried because I was afraid he wouldn’t be there for my surgery when I woke up. I need him. Luke is my touchstone when I am scared. My parents will be traveling out-of-state until after my surgery. I mean I really really really need him!
I cried because I didn’t know who would visit Mary at RTC. If Luke can’t go then she’s left to feel abandoned by yet another set of parents. I cried because I didn’t know who would manage the cooking and the cleaning. We were going to hire someone but not if Luke isn’t collecting salary for a month! Was I going to have to run Carl’s 13th birthday party alone? All by myself????
There is a small-hearted, selfish part of me that is looking out for my own interests. I was so wrapped up in panic, I forgot that a decent human being would care about her husband. Instead, I was mad he didn’t schedule the eye appointment earlier. After all, emergencies are supposed to fit into my meticulously calculated schedule! Detours from the plan are not allowed!!
Today I woke up with a new outlook. I’m ready to do some planning. I’ll try to pre-prepare a bunch of meals we can just re-heat while Luke and I are recovering. I called friends and arranged rides and child care. Luke is going to the hospital with me. He wants to remain there, face down, for the duration of my surgery. I won’t be alone. My parents are going to visit Yary in our absence. With Nana and Papa she won’t be alone.
Today I want to be more empathetic. Today I’d like to type with fewer exclamation points needed. Today I want to be sweet and loving to my poor broken spouse. Today I am going to try to be more like Luke.
**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.