adoption, family

That Day

That day is here again. The one I dread with a visceral gut twist every single year. It’s Mother’s Day.

Here is the day where I leave the house and people congratulate me over and over again for being a mother. People ask my kids if they are celebrating me or doing something “nice” for me. Well, first people look at Carl and Marcus with puzzlement before checking that I am, in fact, their mother.

All it does is remind all of us that there was an original mom in this picture who really messed up. Her loss has been my gain and it isn’t comfortable in any way. This day reminds my children of grief.

Being a daughter myself means that I have my own mother to celebrate. I love her dearly but it does prohibit me from hiding in the closet and ignoring the entire thing altogether.

Someone traditionally has a meltdown every year around this day. It’s just too hard. My money is on ME this year. I am pretty sure I’ll be the one to lose it and stomp off.

Today we have to return Marcus to Bio Sister and Mary to campus. We had planned to meet BS at a halfway point. She doesn’t want to do that. Instead she is driving TO MY HOUSE.

Last night Marcus hands his phone to Mary and it’s BS on FaceTime again. Her first words are, “You look sad. Why do you look so sad?” Then she said stuff in Spanish while Mary stared at the screen thoroughly confused. Insert my eye roll here.

Doesn’t Bio Sister have her own kids to worry about? She’s pregnant again.

Please wish me luck as I bravely (reluctantly) embark on That Day again. At the end of it I can snuggle up with Luke and watch the penultimate episode of Game of Thrones.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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17 thoughts on “That Day

  1. On this day, regard yourself as one of the huge sisterhood who is one link in the chain that sustains life on this earth. Your own mother, yourself, the children you care for, keep this world going!
    You are not alone, not in the least.
    Today I am with no children (either adult or not—yet-adult) but my thoughts fly to him, her, them….all the ones I have lived with, fought with, lost, and found. And their birth mothers. And my own mother.
    What a web it creates! Today let’s look on it not as a tangle, but as the very net that supports life, including our own. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️(One for each bio kid, adoption, or foster placement)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. C says:

    If you makes you feel any better the inventor of Mother’s Day regrets it. I personally hate it. I don’t think a woman should be given a gold medal because she has a kid. Growing up I was told such things as no matter what she is you mother (so? What does that mean?), or if it wasn’t for you mother you wouldn’t be here (well what if I don’t wanna be here?), What about people who don’t have a mother/I would give anything have my mother alive again (I’m sorry for those people but it doesn’t change who my mom is and what she has done). People and relationships are complicated and this expectation that we should honor someone just because is not healthy. the art projects at school, commercials for greeting cards and flowers, commercials for mother’s day specials at restaurants can just serve as reminders of what I don’t have. You are a great mother to your kids and I hope that one day this day becomes easier and more enjoyable. You actually deserve it. You are right though they did have a first mom and she messed up in a big way and it changed your kids. That’s what trauma does it changes us and we can never go back to before even if we were just babies. We can’t start over. I really hope that one day this day changes. I still think you are giving bio sister too much leeway. Sorry for the rant. There are a lot of expectations put on us today. For the not average non nuclear family it can be tough. I get it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I didn’t know about the inventor that’s so interesting. Everything you say here is true. I’m sorry you were made to feel this way about your mother. That’s not right. I think I do need to put my foot down with BS. I’ll probably post tomorrow but so far this day has been really nice! ❤️

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  3. Feel free to take this suggestion with a grain of salt, but our Psychiatrist has recommended that we see those who are… less than welcome… at venues other than our home. This helps us keep home feeling as safe as possible I know Bio Sister wants very much to inflict her hunger on your family, and I know you’re doing the best you can, so this could be nothing, but saying “Not in my home” for contact with your chickens is not the same as denying contact/

    Liked by 2 people

  4. janohio47 says:

    oh, yes, I understand!! My day is complicated by two great memories – each of my boys came home to us from the adoption agency on May 12, three years apart. I’ve learned to keep this memory as my private memory. Their biological mothers are always near & dear to my heart.
    Now my youngest adult son’s significant other has excluded me from their life for reasons of her own. My 10 year old grandson (who I have custody of) recently saw his biological mother after 6 years of her being out of his life – now she wants to be ‘mommy’ again! This has created all sorts of craziness. I hope you made it through the day with continued calmness. (thanks Kate1010 for your great comment too!)

    Like

  5. Runadaemon says:

    All day this quote has been echoing in my mind: The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. My day was surprisingly pleasant, despite my own bad mood (hormones, mostly). I think the family you choose is more powerful than the family you put up with. I don’t think I would handle Bio Sis the way you are. She has far more power to cause havoc than I could stand, but I also see why you do it. Just know you don’t have to put up with her. She’s not your child, you don’t have to bear with her. I hope your day was bette than expected as well. Thanks for always writing! I enjoy reading.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think so many people don’t realize that Mother’s Day can be a hard day for many people for many different reasons. I know it’s late but I hope you were able to power through it and know that you’ve done awesome things for sure.

    Liked by 1 person

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