Strange Days

It’s strange to me how roles are reversed. Five years ago my job was a sanctuary from my home life. The children were new to us and trauma was new to us. I looked forward to my 30 minute lunch where I could nap uninterrupted in my car. It was blissfully quiet.

Now we have Mary home for summer vacation. It all seems strangely reversed. I look forward to walking through my front door. Family evenings are spent in “squishy clothes” (pajamas) playing cards or watching fireflies on the front lawn. It’s relaxing and nourishing for me to be here. I wonder if other people feel this way about coming home?

Ever since my work injury I’ve felt quite a bit of anxiety about work. I feel nervous that the hardware in my spine might get knocked loose. And dealing with my boss always makes my heart race and my palms sweaty. It’s because she didn’t want to get the safety equipment I requested in the first place. Then I got injured. Our working relationship has never been the same.

It is so strange to me that now I crave the calm of home and feel anxious about work. My boss has been frustrated with the multiple back surgeries and slow recovery. I have also been frustrated having to have multiple back surgeries and a long recovery. When I face her on the job my body feels as if it wants to flee home. To flee towards safety. This anxiety about work is strange and different for me.

This week I have been called in to a meeting. It’s summer vacation and the superintendent will meet with me in two days. The fiscal year ends in July so the end of June is a time when teachers are let go. In all likelihood they can no longer offer work within my physical accommodations. It seems that these strange days may be coming to an end.

The phone call to schedule shakes me to my very nerve endings. I find myself breathing shallowly and clutching my hands together. The room spins a little as my mind goes to health insurance, bills, future jobs. I’ve never been fired before. Yikes.

I’m all of this Mary offers me a cup of coffee and a cuddle. I lean into my little girl and find comfort. There isn’t any anxiety here. Things have really changed. Strange days, indeed.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.


22 thoughts on “Strange Days

  1. C says:

    This really made my day. I am glad to hear that Mary is home for an extended period and that you are enjoying her. I think home is somewhere you should always want to be. I know all too often it’s not the case, but it should be. I am always rooting for you guys so this was really nice to read.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. WenofSF says:

    Yay, how great that home is your sage space, finally!! 😊 It is a testament to your parenting that Mary is able to provide support FIR YOU!! So awesome! ❤💗❤
    I had to stop working the first year after taking custody of our daughter who ended up being diagnosed with RAD, chronic PTSD & hypervigilence-no one coukd handle her. My daughter was 2 then, she’s almost 8 now. We lost a lot of income and after a time began to really struggle. After much research, I found out about IHSS (In Home Support Services-maybe has a different name in your state), but you can be paid to provide care for your child, assuming your child/children would qualify-it is a Federal program. Let me know if you would like more info or you may already know about it… 🙂
    Happy for you & your family. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Beth says:

    that is so amazing that Mary is well enough to come home for the summer, and for home to feel like a comforting relaxing place with her home for the summer. Wow! That is so great. Whatever happens with the work meeting, you are crushing this trauma parenting thing, and I am so happy for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Heila says:

    I’m so glad that Mary is home and it’s going well. What happened at the meeting?

    BTW, do you know that your post about Marcus (What are we teaching them) is pinned to the top of the blog?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: New Beginnings | Herding Chickens and Other Adventures in Foster and Adoptive Care

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