adoption, family

Home Visit!

Mary finally came home from her residential school for a an hour-long visit! Her therapist Q prepared her and came with her. This school is uses the research based “ARC” model to treat developmental trauma. It stands for Attachment Regulation and Competency.

The entire visit was about helping Mary acclimate into her home setting and strengthen her attachment to us. Q brought sensory tools, a coping plan and “body scan” strategies. Q also brought a series of activities to add structure to the visit. We prepped Carl with the same tools ahead of time. We gave him the option to participate or retreat into his room if he needed to. His room was the designated ” no-fly zone” where no one was allowed to enter his space.

The trip was a resounding success for Mary. She ate a Mediterranean salad made by Dad, which is obviously the best kind. We went into her room and chose some things she wanted to take back to her school. We sorted through a mountain of Barbies and put away the overflow of toys she brought back from the school.

Next I gave everyone some banana bread that Luke made. We created a stuffed avocado pillow from an art kit. Carl came home halfway through the visit and mumbled a quick “hello.” He turned down my offer for banana bread and snacks. Then he took off into his room rather quickly and remained in the safety of his “no-fly zone.”

Mary’s school therapist, Q, mentioned that they were considering Mary for a special program at the school. It would be a smaller residential setting within the school that was structured more like a group home. The students would have more freedom to move around on the campus and participate in the outside community. They would also have more of the responsibilities someone would have in a home as part of a family.

It’s a pilot program for 3 girls and 3 boys. Mary is a good candidate right now because of her improvements. The program is designed to teach independent skills for students who would be transitioning either out on their own or back to a family setting. I feel excited and a little scared about this prospect.

Will they have enough supervision to keep her (and the other kids) safe? Will this structure trigger her or will it help her adjust to feeling regulated in family situations? Growing up in hard place where her biological home was dangerous made Mary fear family settings. So much of her trauma impacts how much family-time she can tolerate without becoming disregulated. Will this help her?

After the hour was up my parents came to get Mary. We drove her back to the residential school together. I sat in the back seat and cuddled with Mary for the hour long trip. Once we dropped her off I realized how much of a toll the drive had taken on my body.

A muscle relaxer had me sleeping the entire ride back home. Luke ended up having to pry my stiffened body out of the back seat and into bed after the trip. I could barely move the entire next day. At least I am now aware that 2-hour car rides are not tolerable for me even with medication. Lesson learned.

With the exception of Carl, everyone was pleased with the results of the home visit. Q said she would be willing to set up a regular schedule to continue these home visits. When we have Mary’s treatment team meeting this week we will all discuss it.

In the meantime Luke and I are giving Carl some room to process. We don’t want to force any interaction with Mary on him. We want to give him some space and then gently feel out his response to this whole process. It’s complicated so I think we need to give him some time.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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