adoption

Disconnected Parenting and Other TBRI Misadventures

momnkids

My mom with my “chickens.”

She’s screaming at the top of her lungs right now. Deep, guttural, animal cries that are meant to be heard by everyone in the vicinity. When I approach my daughter, she screams at me that I never allow her to get her anger out. I am bottling up all of her emotions. Sigh. I’m too tired to name the feeling and ask her what she needs. I’m too tired to give her choices or a compromise. Instead, I say, “Well in that case, carry on.”

Meanwhile, Carl is carrying on in his room. It’s so unfair. How dare I separate them when they are fist fighting? How dare I enforce limits on him when he attempts to physically intimidate me? How dare I suggest that there is a better way to treat women than attempting to scare them and dominate them? What gives me the right? He needs a chance to think it over. Normally he would do this near me with a “time-in. I just cannot, so he is yelling, “If daddy were here he’d see things differently!” from his room.

Daddy isn’t here.  Right now I think they are just being kids. All kids occasionally misbehave. I’m the one who needs to think it over and try again. It is my responsibility to help them regulate. It’s my job to teach them respectful behaviors. I should be helping them practice using kind words to express their feelings. But I’m on my own today and worn out.

Our kids are learning about how to have relationships like other kids learn how to play a sport. Practice, practice, practice. With that said, daddy would be having none of this. Despite Carl’s view about how to treat women, my husband does not feel the same. Our children were adopted at an older age. They spent more time in their biological home where other viewpoints were the norm. We are trying to undo that model of thinking and replace it with positive behaviors. I can only hope someday that Carl will follow Luke into the land where men are respectful, kind, and not scary. We certainly role-model and practice these skills with him.

I’m  making an attempt at being a connected, loving parent. It’s called TBRI or “Trust Based Relational Intervention.” But all I’ve succeeded in so far is putting on headphones with soothing music. And, yeah, we are all “taking space.” We all need some time apart. Even me. All of the time-ins in the world were not helping today. At this point we are all on edge. It’s all I can do not to yell back or burst into tears. Here I sit listening to soothing Spa sounds. I’m sipping decaf coffee. I purchased a book for myself on my kindle. I need to be calm before I can connect with a “soft voice and soft eyes.” I need to regulate in order to help them regulate.

I’m in the same boat as my children. I’m counting the minutes until Daddy gets home! Lucky for me, my mom makes an appearance at the door. I’ve already warned her about the screaming children. Who would willingly come over to the house today? “I’m brave. I can take it,” is all she says. For my mom there is no problem too small, no behavior too big. She will always back us up when trauma triggers threaten to ruin our day.

It’s finally quiet. Carl is working on a word search in his room. Mary is on her bed. A bit of time away from the anger and the screaming helped me. Being with my mom helped me more.” Don’t they deserve the same?” I think to myself. After some coffee and conversation, my mom leaves. I feel ready to try again.

They need me as much as I need her.

As I head to the kitchen, I feel a “thwack!” On my head. It’s a paper airplane launched from the upstairs loft. It contains a sweet note from Mary. In the letter are a list of coping skills she can use next time. It also contains an apology. It ends with a #Mommyisthebest.

We all come together as a family and group hug for a few minutes. We sit down to dinner and laugh and talk until my husband gets home. We brainstorm ways we can stay regulated as a family. We talk about farts. We each appreciate each other for one thing that the other did today.

I don’t feel like  #Mommyisthebest right now, but I’m working on it. It must take lots of practice to be like my own mom! Good think I’ve got do-overs just like my kids. I’m ready to try it again, but with respect this time. .

Oh yeah, and now Daddy’s finally home. “It looks like you’ve all had a great day,” he says without a trace of sarcasm.

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FTTWR

**TBRI or “connected parenting” strategies mentioned come from the book The Connected Child. You can also learn more by clicking on the link above.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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