adoption, family

Acceptance

Acceptance. It’s a hard word for me these days. It is hard to accept and let things happen. I am trying to understand that my children operate within their own emotional states. I cannot save them from this. All I can do is support what they need in the moment. All I can do is try to accept where they at, emotionally. It is hard!

It seems as though Marcus has moved in with his biological dad. We did pay for his car to get towed there, because at the end of the day we are his safety net. It’s hard to accept that he honestly can’t comprehend this. At least he is with Bio Dad in a house and not parked in a cemetery and sleeping in his car. BD is a mechanic and that is what Marcus believes he needs for survival. He’s safe(ish) where he is.

Accepting that Marcus wants to live with BD for now is OK. I think a lot of young adult adoptees want to find their roots and figure things out. He is 20, so he needs to be able to explore his connections. I think it’s hard to accept that he can’t have both families. He isn’t speaking to us right now. His car insurance notice came in that they were canceling because he owed over $700. I hope he goes to his court date but since he isn’t talking, I don’t know. I have to try and accept that Marcus can’t manage two sets of parents right now. That’s hard.

I have to accept where Mary is in her healing. She is working to get off-grounds privileges at the her RTC school. She earned horseback riding lessons that she can attend weekly if she is safe. The program there is amazing. They are so good with complex trauma and attachment issues. Mary, however, has a hard time believing she deserves any of these things. Instead of making it to her first horseback riding lesson, she had a violent incident the day before. She was so excited (and possibly anxious) that she sabotaged the moment.

We haven’t been able to take her off-campus since Thanksgiving. It’s hard to accept that she isn’t ready to be away from the safety and structure of the RTC. I have to work on accepting that she needs this level of restriction right now. It’s hard to accept that my little shadow is not able to get in the car and take trips with me.

Harder still is accepting that Carl is struggling. He is our most successful child. Carl is a gentleman who holds the door open for ladies in public. He carries my bags and hugs me in front of his middle school friends. It’s hard to accept that he also yells at me for hours and smashes his room to bits. It’s hard to accept that right now we need the emergency mobile psychiatric service team to come out 2-3 times a week for deescalation. It’s hard to reconcile the boy I know to the tornado of his emotions. I am trying to accept where he is emotionally at the moment. It’s hard to do.

In all my worry I turn to Luke. Late at night when my back hurts, or I’m filled with doubts, he wakes to hold me. Luke tucks me in close to his side. He shelters me from the storm of my own emotions. Never once has Luke told me I cannot feel what I am feeling. Right now I am in a space where I occasionally need a 2:00 AM snuggle session. He never questions why. This is acceptance.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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adoption, family

I Can’t

I can’t do it. I honestly just…can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s not that I’m sick of it. I just cannot. I’ve hit an immovable wall. I’d like to curl up and hide in my bed for several reasons.

The first of which would be my back injury. My last appointment with the neurosurgeon was a little under two weeks ago. We planned for the revision surgery to address the fact that my spine hasn’t fused and my hardware is loose. At the appointment the surgeon wanted to pull me out of work completely until after my surgery. I am obviously struggling and can barely move on a bad day.

However, I argued that I needed to finish out a few meetings and transfer things to my long-term substitute. I sort of bargained him into agreeing to let me work three days a week until I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed a couple of weeks to get things done. He agreed that I could try this but that I had to call back for another note when I could no longer make it.

Fast forward to now. I cannot do it anymore. I wrapped everything up as best I could but I wasn’t even able to make it in on Friday. I called the surgeon’s office. For whatever reason, the physician’s assistant agreed to fax in a note stating that I was requesting not to work rather than a note of medical necessity. The nurse who called me asked, “Do you still want us to send it in? Are you sure you aren’t returning to work?”

Ummm….yes I am sure. I bargained for an extra two weeks which was most likely four weeks too many! I am not calling for fun, I am calling because I cannot do it anymore. I can’t. It has nothing to do with “wanting.” So now I have to wait until Monday to see if the doctor himself will change the note, or if I am about to lose all financial support and let my family suffer the consequences of my inability.

Then there is Mother’s Day. I can say that beyond a shadow of a doubt:

I hate Mother’s Day!

It’s a traumatic day for my adopted children. They’ve lost a mom, so it is hard. Things that remind them of their first mom bring up grief, anger, and a variety of complex emotions. Since she isn’t around, I get to bear the brunt of all that emotional baggage.

Marcus has taken off for parts unknown, as he typically does after an argument. At this point he’s given up most of the pretext of trying to get into job corps. This was what he had chosen out of a variety of options to further his future when we laid down house rules. Instead, he’s blown off the admission interview just days before his deadline. He had more important things to do like go to the junkyard and buy parts for his car, work on his car, and run out of gas money to get to work. Upon being reminded that his requirement to live at home without financial worry was to take one step toward bettering his future, he became very angry. He rage texted a few swears about me kicking him out and why did I adopt him just to tell him he has to leave and so on.

I know he was trying to hurt me. I know this is way of leaving, or processing, or whatever the reasons are behind this Marcus pattern. It still stung. He hasn’t returned in a few days and I’m pretty sure he skipped work Friday. He clearly isn’t coming home for our Mother’s day BBQ today because he isn’t even bothering to answer any text messages.

Mary isn’t here. It’s better than last year when Carl and I were locked in his room behind a deadbolt while she destroyed everything in a rage. Luke had to spend the day trying to safely contain her while we hid. It was awful. This year she is in RTC, she’s actually doing quite well, but it is still awful. I miss my girl.

Carl has been having a very difficult time these past weeks.

I just don’t feel like I have the energy left to cope with it. I know my children have trauma and it leads them to behave a certain way. It’s just that sometimes understanding isn’t the same thing as coping with. I selfishly want to hide away from my family all day because I’m miserable. So far I’ve managed to hide in my room with my essential oil diffuser, some cheesy television, and my laptop. Writing helps. Alone time helps.

I will need to emerge for tonight’s BBQ because my own mother will be there. The one good thing about this Mother’s Day is that I get to be with my own mom. Sometimes, only my mom can make things better. And isn’t today about honoring that very thing?

Until then, I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to emerge and deal with everything. My legs won’t move and my tears will start. So until my own mom comes? I just…can’t.

(Just as soon as I’ve finished typing this a text pops up from Marcus. And that’s something.)

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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adoption, family

When the Lights Go Out

BANG BANG BANG!!!

I am awoken by a loud sound. In a state of confusion I try to get my bearings. Where am I? What is happening? The darkness is absolute. My white noise machine has gone quiet.

BANG BANG BANG!!!

The urgent, insistent pounding is coming from the walls. In a sudden surge the white noise machine comes to life. It’s babbling brook sound battles the banging from below. Various electronics resume their small glow.

I realize with a start that the power must have gone out. The wind is howling around our little house in the forrest. Carl is signaling for us. He is afraid of being alone. He is afraid of bedtime. He is terrified of the dark.

BANG BANG BANG!!!

Adeline surges through me and I race out of bed and down the stairs to Carl. My back burns with the effort and sharp pains shoot down my right leg. In my bewildered state I’ve forgotten my back injury. My spine reminds me now.

When I get to Carl, he is wrapped tightly in one of his blankets (He has about twenty.) His appears tiny all huddled up in a corner. The horse-sized bull mastiff and her friend the fat cat aren’t enough to make him feel safe. My twelve-year-old, in this moment, looks to me as if he’s still eight. I realize I’ve been rescuing him from the darkness for four years.

After hugs and water he’s ready to get back into bed with his dog and cat. The power is restored. His one million nightlights are back on. His own white noise machine is happily babbling away once more.

Carl just needed to see me. He needed to know one of us would come for him. He needed to know his parents were still there.

Someday I hope he’ll learn that we always will be. Even in the dark. Even when the lights go out.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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adoption, family

When it Was Unwritten

How does one go about following a script that simply isn’t there? When there are no words left, how does one go about shouting into the void? When it goes unwritten for me it is difficult to process. When it goes unwritten, it becomes easier to ignore.

It was a nagging worry at the back of my mind. Have I misplaced something? It was a shapeless anxiety taking hold. Have I taken the wrong path after missing all the signs?Perhaps I should have written, “I’m not sure where things started to go wrong here.”

Most things can need to become writing for me. Or else they are barely brought to light in my own thoughts.

Carl has been de-compensating for awhile. I haven’t given this a voice on paper. I’ve pushed it away so far in my mind that it never came out in my typing. The unwritten truth was Carl’s deteriorating condition. His old fears and trauma triggers came back with a vengeance. Like Jack’s giant beanstalk, they have grown until I can no longer see where they end. I can no longer reach the solutions. I can no longer reach Carl to pull him down from the height of his fears.

In years past he’s always had a “traumaversary” in the springtime. We know it’s coming so we batten down the hatches. We up our therapeutic game in preparation. We just didn’t prepare for adolescence to add fuel to this fire. Still, I left it mostly unwritten.

When he screamed at me, and lost the dog, and kicked at the floors because he didn’t want to take the trash out, I didn’t write it. When my back was on fire and I hobbled down to scream at him to get out of the house with the trash, I didn’t write it.

When he shouted at me, “You freakin’ do it! I’m NOT going outside!” I knew he was scared. His fear masquerades as anger. I left it unwritten.

“The only thing you should be afraid of is ME!” I screeched back until he put on his shoes and grabbed the trash bag to stand in the garage. Then, in a fit of pure irrationality, I locked the doors and stood outside on the porch until he put the trash bag into the bin and came inside.

First, though, he hit and kicked the garage door so many times he left a dent. Eventually he came up on the porch and back inside we both muttered, “Sorry,” before we BOTH went to timeout.

I never wrote the words. How can I explain that his fear was so big it triggered BOTH of our responses? 

His bedtime became too dangerous. The wait list for his spot at the intensive outpatient program is two months away at least. He’s broken almost everything in his room (including his many nightlights) and then he almost broke me. He launched an 8lb hand weight  down the hall to where I happened to be standing. It missed me by an inch. He didn’t know I was there. He scared both of us.

Marcus helped Luke remove breakable and heavy objects after the incident. I went upstairs to despair quietly, all the while refusing to look at the problem.

The next morning I talked to Carl. He was quiet and subdued. He said that nothing in therapy was working. His meds weren’t working, he told me, and “Something isn’t right.” We discussed the option of inpatient treatment to stabilize him. To my utter surprise, he asked to go.

At the hospital he told the clinician he was afraid he could have hurt his mom.

My sweet, sweet boy is afraid to be so out-of-control. It’s been so long since he was like this. It’s so unexpected. He asked in the smallest voice if he would be like Mary and go away for a long time.

“No, Love. You will be home in a few days. We can do this.”

I should be doing many things. But for now I think I’ll stay right here. I’ll sit and write awhile.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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adoption, family

Wherein I Get Stuck on a Log

The inertia of a back injury always surprises me. I am slow moving. The insurance company is slow to approve my treatment. Everything is slow and a resolution is not appearing on the horizen.

We’ve reached out to J’s social worker. I’m not sure what will even come of it. Could we provide respite and support for an adoptive family? Could we be mentors for her? Could we even possibly adopt her? Who knows. We have to leave to God and just wait.

Marcus cannot seem to make up his mind about what he will do. He’s made sincere apologies to us. We are driving him around for now. We’ve given him a deadline. If Marcus wants to live at home he must invest in himself. We are not landlords, we don’t want rent money. He receives free tuition for state schools due to all of his years in foster care. Marcus must take some sort of action towards his future. Reach out to job corps again, register for one class at a community college or trade school, really any step will do. We drew a line in the sand and now we have to wait for his move.

Currently he is having an emotional text-conversation with me. I know I’m old because I can’t seem to figure out why all serious conversations take place via text message. He is pleading with me to meet Toxic Girlfriend and give her a chance. I am pleading with him to think beyond this girl and beyond his next car.

“Please, Marcus, please consider your future.”

He’s walked out of the house and gone goodness-knows-where. I have taken the Ill-advised steps (literally) to go out and find him. I walk a short distance from the house and immediately my back stiffens up and my right leg decides not to work. So I sit down on a fallen tree log to wait.

I promise Marcus one thing in my text message.

“No matter what choices you make, how hard you push me away, or how far you go I will be waiting for you. Probably right here on this very log. I appear to be stuck.”

After about 45 minutes of sitting on the log and staring at my house, I’m able to hobble inside. The rest of the evening consists of me, stuck in my bed, on a heating pad. Ouch.

Later on, Marcus makes his way upstairs. He is holding Phase 10 cards and a large cardboard square. He hesitates in the doorway.

“Mom, I know you can’t get up and stuff. I cut this out of a box so we could play cards up here. Want to play Phase 10?”

Of course I do. At least, if I have to be stuck, I’m in good company.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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adoption, family

Am I Losing My Son/Mind? Part 3

When the state trooper arrives at our house to take a statement, Marcus has already come home with the car. He yells at Luke once and then runs outside. He parks himself on the hood of his car that-will-probably-never-run. This is where the trooper finds him smoking a cigarette and admitting he took the car without permission. Marcus agrees to remain calm and not escalate the situation. They have a calm conversation and the trooper returns inside, alone.

The officer compliments us about how nice our home is. He expresses concern about the amount of drug prevalence in the city where Marcus has been visiting Toxic Girlfriend. The whole event gets filed as a “domestic disturbance.” We are told to hide the car keys and call immediately if we think Marcus is driving under the influence. By the time the trooper leaves, Luke and I decide its time for bed. It would be better to approach Marcus when everyone is calmer and a bit more rational.

The next day Marcus again emerges after banking hours and demands the car for work. Still no gas. Still no car. He’s also lost parent-favor privileges and car privileges for the stunt he pulled the night before. We calmly but firmly let him know he must treat people well in order to elicit favors, such as rides to work.

Again he hides away and fires off a slew of curse-word laden texts to Luke. For whatever reason I am not the target today (this is a rare occurrence.) Marcus is angry. He feels that we are “unfair, Dawg!” He bemoans his fate at having to live in our rural location, calling it “East Bum-f-ck,” which sounds like an interesting town to me.

Soon after that, to our surprise, a taxi pulls up in front of our house. Marcus gets in and heads to work. He’s figured out a plan! At least he is resourceful. I am begrudgingly impressed. This an adult move. But then…

As Luke is leaving to work the overnight EMS shift in town, Marcus asks for a ride home. Apparently he didn’t plan that far ahead. He threatens to walk home at 1:00AM from work, which is two towns away.

We say, “OK.” We let Marcus know he will have to figure it out. If he wants his parents to provide favors, he will have to make restitution for his actions. If he plans to get to work he will have to plan how to get back from work.

I went to bed. There are just some problems I am not able to solve at 11:30PM. There are also some problems that really are not mine to solve. I’ve done my best. Marcus will now have to figure out the rest. Just in case, I leave the dining room lights on to guide him home.

At around 2:00AM my phone alerts me to the dining room camera’s motion-sensor. I peer blearily into the screen and see Marcus. He’s come home. He walks past the dining room and then leans back into the shot. He turns off the dining room lights before heading to bed.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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Am I Losing My Mind/ Son? Part 2

Marcus came home just in time to go to his second-shift job on Tuesday. He barely spoke to us, hastily agreed to put gas in the car, and then left for his shift at work. I got a text that he didn’t have any money left from his extended weekend. He said that he’d have to get up early the next morning and take out more from the bank to pay for “my gas.” He didn’t come home until we were already asleep. Wednesday afternoon rolled around and he was still in bed.

At this point Luke and I knew it was time to go over the house rules again. Marcus used to have future plans and ambitions. Somehow we ended up with a son who is going to work to buy pot, FaceTime Toxic Girlfriend all night and sleep all day. Not. Happening.

At around 2PM we pestered him until he woke up and came out for “the talk.” We gave him the tough love speech about living at home. He lives rent-free because he is supposed to be investing in Marcus. His four parameters are:

1) Complete daily/ weekly chores (he does this consistently so we praised him.)

2) No gas means no car. Pay for the gas you use or find an alternate way to get around.

3) No more pot. Not here, not on the property, don’t come home high.

4) There is a thirty day time limit to sign up for classes or job corps. Period.

Marcus took this about as well as you can imagine. He exploded out of the house to sit in his non-functioning car, rev the engine, and talk to his girl. We didn’t hear from him again until after banking hours. He requested to use the car. He didn’t have gas money because we didn’t wake him up in time to go to the bank.

Sorry, kid. No gas means no car. Maybe try using the alarm clock we bought you next time. Good luck getting a ride.

Here is where he loses it. He’s slamming doors and sending rapid-fire text messages that say things like, “This is f-ing b-sh-t dawg.”

When these tactics don’t work he takes the car. He actually steals my car. We keep dinner and lacrosse normal for Carl’s sake all the while texting to try and get the car back. Marcus sends vague text messages that he “will be home in 5 minutes” as the hours drag on. He isn’t at work. He isn’t returning the car. We live in a tiny town so the only responding officers to a problem are usually the state troopers.

Eventually Luke warns him that we will report the car stolen if he doesn’t bring it back.

“Do it,” is his only reply.

So we call it in and wait for the state trooper to come to the house for a report.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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