adoption, family

New Beginnings

“What goes on first: the tomatoes or the Parmesan? Do we always toast the bread? Is this your favorite food, Mama?”

Mary’s earnest little face is staring intently at me. Although, I suppose I shouldn’t say “little” face anymore. She’s 12-years-old. She is almost my height and looks more like a teenager than a child.

We are sharing a bit of late-night tomato Bruschetta at the dining room table. I’m showing her how to spread it onto the slices of toasted Italian bread before sprinkling thin shavings of cheese on the top. Being an enthusiastic eater from day one, Mary is very intent and serious for this activity.

I couldn’t sleep tonight. So much is changing.  I feel as though I’m bursting with unanswered questions and possibilities. This is what caused me to venture into the kitchen after 11:00 PM.

Mary saw the dining room light on and padded out to join me. Her pineapple pajamas brighten the semi-darkness of our quiet house.

“What’s wrong, Mama? What are you thinking about?”

When I am lost in thought, Mary wants to know why. When my facial expression changes, Mary wants to know why. She sincerely asks me what foods I like, what my favorite music is, and who my favorite authors are. I feel like she’s re-learning me somehow. Maybe she’s trying to soak up as much as possible on this summer vacation. She’s memorizing the things that make me…me.

Mary is trying so hard to be my friend.

I’m grateful for the 16 days we have spent together here at home. She goes back to school tomorrow to start the summer class schedule. It’s really hard to take her back this time.

Mary is a lot of work and can be high-maintenance. She is desperate to have a lot of attention. It can be intense to constantly monitor her stress, moods and reactions. I won’t sugar coat it: that amount of attention can be a LOT to take over time.

However, she hasn’t been violent at all. She hasn’t been aggressive. She’s handled disappointments and frustrations with her coping skills. All of the attention-seeking is her way of handling love. Relationships are tough for her to navigate but oh my how she is trying!  Mary is making huge progress. She’s nothing short of amazing.

So I offer her some of my late night snacks and try to explain what I am thinking about. My job position is changing. I had a meeting about it last week. They let me know that due to my back injury I can no longer teach special education. Instead, I am now going to teach a fifth grade regular classroom. I haven’t been a classroom teacher in years. It’s sad for me. It’s also a relief. At least I have a job.

The unknown can be scary. Change can be unnerving. I try to explain these feelings to Mary while the rest of the house slumbers on. She nods wisely as though she completely understands.

New beginnings are not so new for Mary. She’s already experienced so much change in her young life. It can be easy to forget that such a young thing has had to be so brave.

I smile at my daughter over a mouthful of sweet tomato and cheese. Here’s to new beginnings.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

Advertisements
Standard
family

This Weekend Almost Defeated Us

Tooth-jarring screeching sounds of metal scraping against metal emanated from the undercarriage of my Honda Pilot. A vague scent of smoke wafted in through the open windows. The more I hit the accelerator, the louder the noise got. I wish I could say that my horrible weekend started there but I’d be lying.

Friday started much differently. I finished my first week of work since spinal surgery. I’m only doing 3 hours a day but it’s a huge win for me. I was flying high and feeling invincible. Nothing could put a dent in my sunny, triumphant mood!! Saying I was wrong on this account is a vast understatement.

Upon getting home I checked my bank account. It was very, very low. Since Luke’s eye surgery we’ve been struggling. He only recently returned to work after months without pay. Worker’s comp covers a percentage of my salary, but it’s not much.

Add to that a series of emergencies (water pump died, washer/dryer died, roof needed repairs) and we had problems. We even had to borrow money from my parents (thanks, guys!)

So Friday comes around and I get a check from the insurance company that is maybe 1/5 of my normal check. Presumably I’ll be receiving a regular check from my job but it will come in the mail. Then I get a notification that Carl’s lunch money balance is low. Great.

Next, I start a small stovetop fire while making popcorn. I put it out right away things got a little crazy. Saturday rolls around and I’m watching for the mail like a hawk. I need that other paycheck to come through. As soon as it comes I send Carl out to retrieve it. I probably should have gone myself but my back was killing me.

Unfortunately, Carl was not as concerned as I was about the mail. He walked in with a package but no envelopes and insisted that’s all the mail we got. It wasn’t until the bank had already closed and we left to pick up Mary, that I double checked. Yup, there was my paycheck ready to do absolutely nothing until Tuesday. Sigh.

As we left to pick Mary up at school the horrible scraping sound began. Luckily, we were only a few miles into our hour drive. I did what, presumably, any smart mom would do. I made Carl run alongside the car. I figured if it blew up (or if I started my second fire of the weekend) at least he’d be safe. When he suggested calling a tow truck I burst into tears. I couldn’t do that because I hadn’t deposited the check.

In a state of sheer panic I pulled into a nearby friend’s house to park. She wasn’t answering her phone. If she wasn’t home I could still leave the car there. The entire time I was calculating how far I could walk towards home before Carl would have to carry me.

How would I call Mary and cancel our overnight? I always come through for her. I NEVER let her down even though she always expects me to. What would happen if this time I followed through on plans like bio mom?

By the time I parked the car I felt like I was struggling to breathe. By some stroke of sheer luck my friend was actually home. As soon as I explained my situation she got her two kids and loaded them into her car. Without any questions she dropped everything and drove me the hour to get Mary. Thank heavens for ride-or-die friends!

We ended up having a fun yet overwhelming weekend. Luke was able to figure out the car problem and fix it within our minuscule/nonexistent budget. The kids cleaned the kitchen and ran the dishwasher while I took some downtime on the heating pad.

We filled our weekend with at-home budget friendly activities like board games and family dinner with Nana and Papa. By the time I took Mary home on Sunday night I was feeling a bit of that Friday high coming back. My belly was full of my mother’s famous pistachio cake and my little girl was riding shotgun.

The weekend had been stressful, crazy, and filled with financial ruin. Mary was back in her “fast” place. Her speech was so pressured she smooshed her words together and dropped almost all of her consonants. No one can really understand her vowel-speak but at least we were certain it was all very sweet. She wasn’t making violent or outlandish comments.

I had my family. I had my car back. I ended the weekend singing with my daughter and driving literally into the sunset. What more could I really ask for?

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

Standard