adoption, family

I Am the Bionic Woman

OK, I know, I get it, not everyone wants to look at my skeleton. X-ray pictures might seem gross to some but they totally fascinate me. In these pics my spine looks so super-strong that nothing could topple it. Of course some of that is due to the fact that this time around the surgeon used extra large screws made of a special material. This was in order to prevent the reaction I had last time.

The first time around my body didn’t respond well at all to the stainless steel hardware. Rather than grow bone material (called fusing) I grew an excessive amount of scar tissue. During this time my entire body was left without support due to the instability of my spine.

Some of the problem was obvious in the form of a hard outward lump the size of a ping-pong ball. It made all kinds of doctors (even an allergist) say things like, “Wow, come look at this! I’ve never seen anything like this!” They also said, “Hey can I write about this in a medical journal? This condition is really rare.”

The pain I felt in my nerves and in my spine was obvious to anyone who looked at the outward mass of scar tissue. It didn’t show everything that was going on inside, but it gave an indication. Clearly, something needed to be done. I needed help.

My kids are like this sometimes. We cannot see all the ways that early trauma, foster care and adoption have affected them deep inside. One or two angry interactions show us that they are experiencing some kind of emotional pain. We’ll never really know how deep that scar tissue has formed. We can’t truly understand how it affects their ability to navigate in the world.

Marcus is this way. He will blow up, become angry, break things, yell, rant, really try anything to push us away. His last leaving was like this. So was the one before and the one before that. Like my medical-journal-level scar tissue, these are the outward signs of his problem. I cannot say how much I wish that I had my surgeon’s specially formulated tools and extra-long screws coated in healing solution. I want so badly to fix these internal wounds for him.

I can’t. Obviously, I cannot heal for him but what I can do is try to weather the storm. He called this week and asked to come home for family dinner. After I missed his visit the day of my surgery I was jumping for joy (metaphorically) and shouting, “YES!!” I gave him the obvious news that this wouldn’t be one of those family dinners where I baked homemade bread and his favorite cookies for dessert. I’m recovering, Luke is rather blind at the moment, so pizza ordering is our dinner go-to.

He messaged back a bit later that he was on his way and I shouldn’t be over-doing it in the kitchen. The very fact that he is thinking about what might be best for me is progress from his sulky teens. He was stuck in survival-mode we met almost five years ago. When he thinks beyond his own needs it truly is progress.

However, he informed me that he “had someone we needed to meet.” It’s a girl. It’s always a girl. I agreed just so long as it wasn’t Toxic Ex-Girlfriend. Marcus let me know this was someone new. Then he also let me know she had a baby. Could she bring her baby? Said baby was already in the car.

Have you ever watched a horror movie where the clearly-about-to-be-dead character slowly opens the basement door to go and “check things out?” That’s the way I felt as I attempted composure while asking if this was Marcus’ baby. He took his timeĀ  responding while I sat clutching phone thinking, “Why did I have to check in the creepy basement?”

In the end, Marcus denied the child was his. It belongs to his girlfriend, but they also have “something to tell us.” I checked her out on social media. She looks young. She poses with her middle finger up or her backside out towards the camera. I suppose everyone looks young to me. Marcus is about to be 21 so presumably (hopefully) she is around that age as well. It is taking every super-power I have not to pre-judge this situation and start heavily disliking this baby. I mean, it’s just a baby for heaven’s sake. I need to get it together!

In the end, Marcus cancelled dinner. He asked to reschedule in a few days because he “got called into work.” A part of his pattern is to get close and then rapidly retreat so I’m not all that surprised. This will give me a little more time to work on my “what a cute baby!” as opposed to “Leave that in the car!” greeting statement. I should also work on holding in comments like, “Marcus you aren’t emotionally stable enough to be hanging out with babies. That’s a huge responsibility. Please start taking care of MY baby (Marcus) first!”

Luke is wiser and more patient than I am. He says we have to understand that our son will make choices we may not agree with. We have to guide him as best we can while continuing to support him. Without us, Marcus wouldn’t have the support network he so clearly needs. Luke is also blind at the moment, so no matter what I’m probably going to tell him it’s not a very cute baby. I am a horrible person.

So here I wait. I summon all the strength I can from my newly bionic spine. My prayer goes something like this:

Please let me stand tall no matter what my son might be facing.

Please let me be less judgmental. (Because I am on a SERIOUS path of prejudgment right now and it’s not a good look.)

Please do not let me be a grandmother right now.

Please let me lend the support that is needed.

Please help me to stand tall and strong like the bionic woman I am.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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family

I Have a Screw Loose…Literally

I met with my neurosurgeon yesterday. It’s been a year since my spinal fusion and I am still having some pain and difficulty. I had a functional capacity assessment (FCE) done and a CT scan to look at my spine.

The FCE came back with “valid” results (apparently this is good? Maybe some people try to fake these? They are hard to read? I have no clue) so everyone was pleased. It basically showed that I can work at a sedentary job for 8 hours a day but no lifting over 30 pounds. There is weakness in my right side. It recommended I don’t walk or stand for too long and don’t waist-lift heavy things. It’s sort of a permanent thing. This is where I am at. Period.

The CT scan showed that I have an actual screw loose in my spine. It has an amount of “micro-movement” that bumps into nerves and throws my pelvis alignment off to compensate. My spine is starting to curve a bit to make up for it. The fusion has not completely fused and could use some more bone material. Another screw may be needed to stabilize my SI joint. The doctor recommended a revision. Normally time to heal, Physical Therapy, and pain management injections help quality of life. I’ve done all of those things. A LOT. So…

We know a bit more about my genetic condition that creates extra scar tissue and my bones ability to fuse. There are special tools, screws and some kind of dip that can be used. This will help to promote bone growth and minimize scarring. I have a lot to think about.

I am going to go back full-time to work next week. I guess I will see how my body responds to the added activity. At 36 I really don’t want to be this way forever. I can function with chronic pain and limitations. But do I have to?

I am leaning towards the revision surgery. Hard. Since Mary just started her new RTC there is a very good chance she will be there for a year. I will need a year to recover just like this past one. I wonder if it will be easier for me if I’m not worried about my physical safety and her mental state at all times. Could my healing process be a bit smoother?

How would this affect our children? Will it trigger Marcus, who just came home? Will it throw off Carl? How much stress and extra work will this cause Luke? And Mary…well, you can read about how is affected her here. It gets so complicated.

When I think of the long run I wonder how much my inability to do things affects them all now. I’m too tired. My back is too sore. I can’t walk for that long. It’s too much to go to lunch with my mom sometimes (booths care painful to sit in.) I need to take a muscle relaxer to sit through Carl’s band concert. We can’t take a long trip. I wouldn’t make it walking in the streets of New York City, the trip I have promised for over a year. I have to lie down on the heating pad…all evening.

The way things are now could be forever. It is unlikely that I will improve much from here. Unless we fix the problem. Luke supports the surgery. I think I want it. I am just not sure. The decisions are huge. Again, I would ask my reader to please wish us luck. And if you’re the praying kind then it can’t hurt to pray as I consider this huge decision. What’s next?

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.

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